Yesterday on the bus to work I was gazing out of the window and brushing up on my favourite tardiness excuse — ’sorry there’s awful traffic at X due to Catastrophe Y and time delay is thus completely not my fault’ — when I came across a peculiar scene. I actually saw a real traffic jam. It’s as if the powers that be were listening in, heard me rehearsing, and decided to help out so as not to bear my lameness any longer. The powers that be sent me a miracle. For on this glorious day, the omnipotent beings in the clouds showed mercy, and sent me two shitting police horses in the middle of Euston Road. This glorious sign from above is, I guess, exactly what brings me to my point and thus the reason for this diatribe.

For on this glorious day, the omnipotent beings in the clouds showed mercy, and sent me down two shitting police horses in the middle of Euston Road.

I wouldn’t call myself an overly opinionated or politically astute person. By that I mean, of course I have opinions, but I would also agree that they are not all fully-formed or very well-educated. Like most, my experiences as an individual have shaped my beliefs over the years; as a law graduate, as an immigrant, as a white woman in her mid-twenties with a penchant for reading and strong coffee. Also I’m not impartial to dogs, especially small ones, or big ones in funny hats. I’m not sure why that’s important, but I feel like you need to get a sense of me as a person, and to give you time to look up pictures of big dogs in funny hats. You’re welcome. (Also maybe I should delete the bit about the big and small dogs because that seems sizeist to medium-sized dogs, not in possession of any headwear). I would consider myself a pretty open-minded person, capable of being convinced that my opinion is wrong. Often, I enjoy a good debate, as I see it as an opportunity to share in another person’s perspective. That being said, I challenge you to find me One. Single. Good. Reason. Why. There’s. Policemen. On. Horses. IN FUCKING CENTRAL LONDON. WHY?

I spent the rest of my journey to work in a conflicted emotional state – both glad that finally my excuse for being late is just about ridiculous enough to be believed (also photographic evidence helps, thank you technology), and furious that I am currently bending over backwards to convince the sour plums in the Home Office that I deserve to be allowed to stay in a country that wastes money away on horse police, whilst unsupervised kids are floating around in the Mediterranean, forbidden from gaining entry into the country; whilst the NHS is crumbling apart at the hands of an idiot buffoon; whilst incumbent government officials say all sorts of crap and get away with it essentially (I’m looking at you, Boris Johnson) etc.

Like any logical person, I decided to approach the problem head-on and try using some of that logic my law degree claims to have imparted on me for a good cause. No, today I will not be brainstorming solutions to permit refugee children to enter the UK without Theresa May finding out and making coats out of them (I can’t be the first person to notice the resemblance between the Home Secretary and Cruella De Vil, right?). Today I will be positing that maybe, for fuck’s sake do it already, we should get rid of police horses, and spend money on more important things.

Cruella De Vil, Disney super-villain

Theresa May, UK Home Secretary

Pros of having police horses

  • Tourists think England’s got to be a pretty rad country that’s fancy enough to keep police horses
  • People will stop what they’re doing and stare when policemen ride by on horses
  • Horses are pretty tall, so I guess a policeman can look pretty intimidating when sitting atop of a horse. Although let’s be real, if I had a gun and you had a horse, I’m pretty sure which one of us will be robbing an off licence.

Cons of having police horses

  • Tourists think England’s run by gobshites if they made the decision to enlist police horses to protect a metropolitan city full of cars and traffic and noise
  • People will stop what they’re doing and stare
  • Policemen on horses look dumb as fuck
  • Horses have to shit. Frequently.
  • Horses (unless they’re specially trained, robotic horses with magic powers) are scared of fire, loud noises, small animals and often — their own reflection. This can prove difficult in the field.
  • Speaking of fields, you know where horses really like to spend their free time? FIELDS, you morons, FIELDS. Like, wildlife and shrubbery and green grass and wheat or clover or whatever the hell those four-legged beasts eat.
  • HORSES ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE TO KEEP MMKAY PLEASE STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIDEON*

*Gideon as in George Osborne, as in his lesser known ‘yes Papa, I’m sure I want a pony AND a massive stick up my arse for Christmas ’ given birth name. The more you know, folks, the more you know.

You know what also makes no sense and is thus the perfect combination of both hilarious and diabolical? Calling a fire brigade to help the policemen clean up the giant shits that their vehicles have lain in the middle of a busy road. It took them twenty minutes. It took six grown men TWENTY MINUTES to scoop up two patties of horse poop. I was half expecting an ambulance to drive by and ceremoniously pick up the poops to showcase a complete trifecta of wasted public funds. It goes without saying that were these police officers in a car — or on bicycles, for crying out loud — I doubt there would be a similar problem.

GRAB A DUVET AND A PILLOW BECAUSE BITCH, YOU LYIN’.

Incidentally, the Metropolitan police website states that ‘it is estimated that a trained Mounted Officer on a trained horse can be as effective as a dozen officers on foot.’ Mmm-hmmm, what else Met police? You did not have sexual relations with that woman? You were going to text me back but your phone died? You are running late because a horse shit on the road and caused traffic? GRAB A DUVET AND A PILLOW BECAUSE BITCH, YOU LYIN’.

I don’t like the current government spending money on stupid things, and not spending money on important things.

In short, police horses are a massive waste of everyone’s time and money. Please get rid of them, or at least make them wear diapers. Also I don’t like the current government spending money on stupid things, and not spending money on important things. It’s like the #1 thing they teach you in government school. Also, I feel entitled to this opinion because a) I’ve witnessed a mass use of emergency services being wasted to clean up faeces, b) I’ve lived in London for a long enough time now to see this – or something similar – happen on multiple occasions and c) I challenge you to give me ONE. GOOD. REASON.

Casually causing traffic jams since 1760

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